DelaTranslator: “Treading the labyrinth” Edition

The News Journal makes broad, sweeping statements on serious issues of international affairs. They solve them in one editorial. They’re smarter than you. We make what they’re really saying, a bit clearer.

Finally, the beleaguered negotiators framing Iraq’s new constitution exhaled. [And they were really high] And it’s a good thing too. [They never pass the piece.] The Aug. 15 deadline that the Bush administration was riding them toward [Bush is a cowboy.] risked cementing untenable conflicts into a government compact only to fracture or explode later. [Explode like an Arab with a British subway token.]

Even with another week to work [of which, Bush is vacationing], the decisions to be resolved are huge: the degree of autonomy of ethnic provinces, the role of Islamic religious law, women’s rights and distribution of oil wealth. [What? They’re Islamic? Let’s put #4 at the top please.]

Even with answers on paper [rolling paper], these matters will test civil administrators and courts, as they surely have other more stable nations. [Like the Netherlands, or perhaps, Belgium] The fact that Iraq’s entire civic order is being reconstituted makes consensus and legitimacy now, at the origin, of primary importance. [We need to marry Iraq and make it an honest woman. It’s baby-daddy ran out… illegitimate babies everywhere.]

The American-imposed political time line [Bush is an imperialist bastard] from the national election held in January to select a parliament, then this constitutional draft, then another election in December is meant to vest Iraqis in their own future [and not even a cool vest, a Richard Simmons one], apart from and beyond the foreign occupation that incites insurgents [Please. Save us Cindy Sheehan]. This pressure has asked a lot of Iraq’s disparate politicians treading the labyrinth of ethnic, religious and economic interests, even the risk of assassination. [Pshaw.. death? in Iraq? Get the fuck out of here.]

The United States’ parallel interest has been moving Iraq’s stabilization and reconstruction well enough along so that American troops eventually can pull out. [Because God knows, any other contraceptive method would get the conservatives pissy.] President Bush is a late convert to the efficacy of diplomacy. [Bush is a fucking moron] The American representatives that have airlifted in, including the secretaries of state and defense, did keep up momentum on the constitution. But now push has come to shove. [What? Who is shoving? They have fucking bombs and shit. There’s no shoving there.] The Iraqis cannot be dictated to without confirming suspicions of American intent. [America is evil.]

It would seem that a federalist government among the provinces, recognizing their ethnic or religious differences, is one way forward. [Not treading, but moving now… I see.] Iraqi women accustomed to secular freedom even under dictator Saddam Hussein have few high-level advocates now. [Saddam loved the ladies.] But it would be regrettable if women’s rights to participate in the new society were sacrificed, when all hands and minds are needed to rebuild. [And I’d like an Iraqi woman’s hands on me right now.] The economic importance of the oil fields in the northern Kurdish and southern Shiite areas ideally should benefit the nation as a whole, rather than leverage local power. [Gas prices are high. I want to get drunk off of sweet, sweet petroleum.]

But whatever form is chosen, Iraqis have to do it for themselves, and they obviously need more time. [It’s always harder to do it by yourself.] As for our interests, President Bush has said repeatedly that he will not set a timetable for withdrawing troops. [He likes to wait til just before climax.] He should back off from a political timetable for whipping up an Iraqi government within weeks as well, so long as the work goes on